Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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