Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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