Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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