I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
