The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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