that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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