I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
