theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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