What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
