Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
