You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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