someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
