i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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