I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
