Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
