Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
