I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
