I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
