I can't breathe out the right side of my face
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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