either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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