I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
