I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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