Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
