I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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