If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
please come you make the beer taste better
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
