if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
