I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
