Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
