I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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