Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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