Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
