I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
