Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
