Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
