I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
