Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
