i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
