Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
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