Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
