i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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