i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
