"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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