i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
