so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
