watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
