So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
No I am not eating basil off your cock
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
