You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
