Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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