I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
