screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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