Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
