she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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