I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
