I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
