I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
