Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
