you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
