just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
