Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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