The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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