I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
