I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
